How do I explain the feelings inside of my soul for those kids – wrenching apart my very being – subtly but firmly reminding me of all I am so abundantly blessed with. I deserve nothing, yet God has given me so much. I have freedom, I have education, I have community, and I have family. Still, with all that I have, I find reason to complain daily – if not aloud then in my head. I am sick and tired of my ungrateful spirit. I am embarrassed by the way I act so self-centered. It is interesting how it reveals itself – through anger, fear, or stubbornness.
This Christmas, my self-focus showed itself through fear and pride. My Dad gave me an incredible gift, one many others would be overjoyed to possess, and I pushed it back in his face. I let fear of failure and my desires to attain perfection control my reaction. I am ashamed to admit it even took me a few minutes to really look at what he had given me. It was a beautiful new guitar, and I am fearful of my ability to learn to play it well (even though I have already learned to play chords and sing while playing within a couple of months). Without even giving it the time and practice I need to develop good guitar skills, I told myself I couldn’t do it. I was prideful and fearful, and it evidently showed in my reaction. What a jerk I can be . . . Fortunately, by God’s grace, He convicted me almost immediately and I apologized to my hurt father, who most graciously forgave me, and I thanked him for the guitar.
I share this story not because I want to. In fact, I would rather hide in a closet than share with you my true self at times. God allows me to fall many times so I can see just how broken I truly am. Just when I think I finally have it all together, He reminds me of my shattered nature. I need Him. I need His grace. I need to constantly be reminded of how thankful I should be for all He has given me.
You may be asking what this has to do with the orphans of Peru. Well, even with the little they possess, they continue to laugh, they continue to smile, and they were thankful for the little box of a Christmas gift we gave them. Through those children, God continually reminds me of all I have. Now, instead of allowing fear and pride to dictate my future, I am willing to learn with no expectations. I may never be the best of the best, but I know I can learn to play the chords.
Merry Christmas!
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